Pernah x korang rse cam, xnk idup bile org yg korang paling sayang tinggalkn korang ?? Like, literally, xnk idup.. Smpai satu thp, korang try everything to commit suicide. Sampai satu thp, korang fikir advance gile nk wat suicide tu nmpk cam homicide. Aku pnah. In my case, he left me forever.. He's not my bf.. :) My uncle. Aku syg die sgt2.. He's more like a brother to me than an uncle.. Aku anak sulung. Aku xde abg.. Pakcik aku mmg gile2 protective, cam seorang abg.. I thought he will always be there for me. But, he's not.
2006, he died. Aku baru 12 taun.. Die mmg saket. Tp, die kate die ok.. Die even jnji dengan aku yg die akan dtg, teman aku time amek UPSR. Die jnji yg die akan tunggu aku kat luar pagar skolah, and amek aku lepas abeh pekse. HE LIED. Die tinggalkan aku. Da la aku x smpat smpai kat hospital. Sampai2 je, tgok doktor da usung jenazah die kuar.. Aku tengok sume org nangis.. Aku je yg x nanges.. Until now, aku x tau knape. Knape aku x nangis ?? Was that the sign that I don't really love him that much ?? aku x tau.. Smpai skang un, aku still x nanges.
At that moment, I could feel like there's something missing. But, I don't know what. I watch him got buried. Aku bace kan surah Yassin untuk die.. Tp, aku x rse pape un. Kosong. Empty. Aku asyik tnye mak aku. "Nape akak xleh nanges ??"
Skang da 2011. Bile aku teringat kat pakcik aku, aku termenung. No tears. But, sometimes.. Late at night, I think I cry in my sleep.. X taw la btol ke x.. Sbb kadang2 aku bngun, aq tgok cermin, air mate still mengalir.. xtaw la btul ke tak air mate tu kn.. Aku rse, aku tidor xdela teruk ngat smpai kuar air liur.. Hm.. Aku dok ketepi kn org. Best friend aku since tadika xnk ckp ngan aku sampai skang. Maybe that's why aku x pnah tau ape maksud happy ending.. And sbb tu jugak, social life aku merudum smpai satu thp, aku pnah gntung diri. Tp, x jadik.. Aku pnah telan ubat satu botol. Tp, alhamdulillah pnjang umo aku.. X mati2.. haha.. hmm... Aku menyesal dulu aku slalu cube nk bunuh diri.. But, sometimes I just can't take it anymore !! I've become the greatest actress people ever known !! (heh. berangan) Tp, btol un.. Kengkwn aku always cube nk wat aku gelak. And aku gelak. And diorang rse aku ikhlas nk gelak.. Tp, sbnrnye, aku xde rse pape un.. It kinda hurts too watch people believe in what they see in me, when it's actually not me at all.. haha.. korang faham ke ape aku ckp nie ??
Anyway. Aku rase aku better stop la. huhu.. first post da feeling2 camnie ye x.. hahaha.. bye2.. Aku da lpas SPM nie, I'll try my best to post every week !!
Wassalam..
Love,
Mxx
